آدم باید مطمئن باشد که تا نفس بعدی زنده است یا مطمئن باشد که با آمدن هر وزیری قوانین عوض نشوند و صدها دانشجو نا امید نشوند، بعد فکر خوشگذرانی باشد

الآن که به عقب سر نگاه می‌کنم انگار خیلی واضح می‌بینم هدف زندگی‌ام چی بوده. هدف کلمه‌ی بزرگی است. نقطه‌ی مشخصی است که وقتی به آن می‌رسی نورافکن‌ها را می‌اندازند رویت، تشویقت می‌کنند، مدالهایت را می‌آورند. پس شاید منظورم هدف نبود. منظورم اصل ساده‌ای بود که بر اساسش زندگی می‌کنم. زندگی‌ام تا اینجا انگار یک تلاش دائمی بوده برای جمع کردن خوشی‌ها و لذتها. اینها می‌توانند مادی باشند، مثل پول و خرید و خانه و ماشین و لباس و بعضی‌هایشان هم لذتهای ذهنی‌اند، مثلاً مطالعه یا موسیقی یا همین کپشن نوشتن اینستاگرام. مسیر زندگی‌ام مشخص بوده. وضعیتم شبیه یابویی بود که دو طرفش پالان آویزان است، مسیرش را می‌رود و در طول مسیر این خوشی‌ها را جمع می‌کند و می‌ریزد توی پالانهایش و فکرش را نمیکند که در وسط مسیر قرار است وزیر جدید قانون جدید بیاورد. از آن طرف، روی دیگر همین روش می‌شود پرهیز از ناخوشی‌ها، فرار از بی‌پولی، فرار از پوچی و بی‌انگیزگی، فرار از ترافیک و آلودگی هوا. بعد از اتمام لیسانسم مشکلی که ایجاد شده این است که این نظام ذهنی و اعتماد به رعایت حق الناس توسط وزرا و مسئولین بی‌معنی شده. چیزهایی که لذت می‌دادند دیگر نمی‌دهند و چیزهایی که آزار می‌دادند هم همینطور. همه چیز خنثی شده. نمی‌خواهم بگویم به پوچ بودن روش قبلی زندگی‌ام واقف شده‌ام، نه، بیشتر بحث نوعی بهت‌زدگی است. نزدیکترین مثالش می‌شود ماجرای پسربچه‌ای که نشسته بوده لب ساحل، تابستان بوده، ماسه بازی می‌کرده، گاهی می‌رفته توی دریا و دست و پا می‌زده. بعد برمی‌گشته و خودش را روی ماسه‌ها گرم می‌کرده، با بیل پلاستیکی و سطلش که رویش عکس‌برگردانهای کارتونی داشته بازی می‌کرده، قلعه شنی می‌ساخته، نسیمی هم بوده، آفتاب هم همه چیز را طلایی‌رنگ کرده، بعد در همین حین و بین موج وحشتناکی بدون هیچ اخطاری سر می‌رسد، ساحل را می‌کوبد، قلعه شنی و زیلو و سطل و بیل پسربچه را می‌بلعد، ساحل را به شکل دیگری در می‌آورد، بوته‌ها را از جا می‌کند، بعد که طوفان پس می‌کشد پسربچه خیس و خالی و هاج و واج هنوز لب ساحل ایستاده اما هیچ چیزی نمی‌فهمد. قطعاً نمی‌توان دوباره نشاندش سرجایش و گفت خب عزیزم یه قلعه شنی دیگه بساز. چون بازی لب ساحل معنی‌اش را از بیخ از دست داده. وضعیت من هم همین است. زندگی سابقم برایم مشابه بازی‌های آن پسربچه است. اتفاقی که افتاده اینقدر گنده است که همه چیز در مقابلش غیرقابل مقایسه شده. لذتها جلویش رنگ می بازند، ناخوشی‌ها هم جلویش رنگ می‌بازند. نمی‌توانم و نمی‌خواهم برگردم به زندگی قبلی‌ام. بدی این ماجرا همین است، اتفاقی بوده که اثراتش هم به آینده منتشر می‌شوند و هم به گذشته، احمقانه بودن زندگی گذشته‌ام را هم نشانم می‌دهند و در عین حال آینده را خالی از معنی کرده. گاهی وقتها بهتم بیشتر شبیه بی‌تفاوتی می‌شود. دیگر انتخاب کردن بین گزینه‌ی شماره یک و شماره دو برایم فرقی ندارد. هر انتخابی پشتش یک ترجیح است و من الآن هیچ چیزی را به چیز دیگری ترجیح نمی‌دهم. همه‌شان علی السویه هستند. چه فرقی دارد که الآن یک غذای خوشمزه بخورم یا یک غذای بدمزه. چه فرقی دارد که بروم یک مسافرت هیجان‌انگیز یا یک مسافرت کسالت‌بار. چه فرقی دارد که پول در بیاورم یا نه. روش قبلی‌ام در زندگی، همانی که در آن مشغول تلنبار کردن خوشی‌ها بودم، پیش‌فرض آن روش یک ثبات نسبی است، یک نوع قطعیت نسبت دنیا، آدم باید مطمئن باشد که تا نفس بعدی زنده است یا مطمئن باشد که با آمدن هر وزیری قوانین عوض نشوند و صدها دانشجو نا امید نشوند، بعد فکر خوشگذرانی باشد، بعد فکر پول جمع کردن باشد. یک نوع آرامش لازم‌ست که در آن با خیال راحت بشود بو کشید و کارهای خوب و مفید و لذتبخش را پیدا کرد و انجامشان داد. مثل آرامش همان کودکی که کل دنیایش ساحل امنی بود که در آن مشغول بازی بود. من هم مشغول بازی بودم. متاسفانه بعد از این اتفاق به جهان‌بینی جدیدتری هم نرسیدم. وزیر محترم نفت حضرت آقای زنگنه جهان بینی قبلی من و اعتمادم به یک سیستم را بالکل بی‌معنی کرد و چیز جدیدی برایم بجا نگذاشته. سرخوشی جدیدی بهم معرفی نکرده. فقط خیلی خشن و بدون اخطار قبلی آمده، همه چیز را با خاک یکسان کرده و رفته. خودش رفته، من خیس و سرد و مبهوت لب ساحلی که اصلاً شبیه آن ساحل قبلی نیست مانده‌ام.

19دیدگاه

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